I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
