I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
