Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
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