how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
