Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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