i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
