I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
