Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
