his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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