quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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