you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize