too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize