u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
