i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
