areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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