I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i barfeds in our rink
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
What a dumb baby whore.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
