someone threw a dead crab at me
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Randomize