so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
