Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
