Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
