I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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