was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I currently don't understand fingers.
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