I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
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