It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
