you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
