she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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