i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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