I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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