Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
she looked like the before picture.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
