remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Randomize
