i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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