i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I showed him my bush... on skype.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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