i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
