I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
