you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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