Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
