yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize