My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
