I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
