When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
