I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
