Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
