this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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