I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
