Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
