he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
