So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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