I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
