I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
