Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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