I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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