Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Your dad touched me again.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
