there's paper in my vomit.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
