I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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