im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
We need to get me chipped asap
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
