gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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