I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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