you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
