On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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