he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
