Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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