Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
